Duty Calls
by SihayaFaulkner
Summary: There are some things even a Death Eater won't do.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Shiv says, "Very funny, in a bad way of course. Which makes it funnier." 

I think that's the best way to sum it up.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Death Eaters are the property of JKR, I just own Darcy … and Rookwood's still mine because JKR doesn't appreciate him like she should._ /petses Rookwood/_

* * *

"He wants us to do it." 

"I'm not lowering myself to touch _that_."

"You know what He'll do if we don't."

"Fine. Then you do it."

"Me? That's disgusting."

"How do you think I feel? Look at her."

"She's not that bad."

"Shut it, Avery. She's a Muggle, for fuck's sake."

"I still don't see why He wants us to rape one."

"He's positively unhinged."

"Shhhh! Do you want someone to report that back to him?"

"Sod it. _Obliviate!_ There. You were raped, go run off and tell everyone about it."

"Darcy! You stupid shit, Muggles can check that sort of thing."

"Check? They don't have Veritaserum."

"Not that, fuck. They can _check_."

"Out with it already, Rookwood."

"You know what I mean. They check her…"

"Her? Oh! … OH! You mean her…"

"Eugh."

"Exactly."

"I'm not touching her _there_."

"Get out of the way. _Obliviate!_ Some bloke tried to rape you, but he couldn't umm… y'know… and then you ran away. Off you go."

"What are you half-wits doing?"

"What does it look like, Nott?"

"You idiots are spending a lot of time on her, when it's Him you need to be worried about."

"…"

"She runs off and tells the Muggle puhlease and then what? He takes one look at your feeble minds and sees you three wanking over who has to do it and you're all on the floor puking your guts up anyway."

"…"

"Exactly. _Obliviate! _You had a boring evening, had a few pints and went home. You don't want to come here again."

"You just let her go?"

"Better that than you lot Obliviating her mind into swiss cheese."

"If you're so smart, Nott, what are we going to do now?"

"Simple. Are any of you an Occlumens?"

"Just old Snape, and you know he never has to come on these missions with us."

"Fuck. He's no good to us. He probably never got a shag in his life."

"Never mind him. Oi! Darcy! Get over here."

"What? Eugh, Rookwood, get your grubby hands off me."

"Hold still, you prat. _Obliviate!_ You found a Muggle, had your way with her, and now you're going to go tell Him it's done."

"Fuck me. That just might work."

"Quite. And if it doesn't, he's the only one facing a bought of Crucio tonight."

"Bugger it, I need a drink."

"Pony up, Avery. It's your turn."

"What! … Fine, but next round's yours."


	2. Chapter 2

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well _that_."

"That's an Auror."

"I can see that, Nott."

"There you have it, then."

"Well?"

"Ladies first, Darcy."

"Piss off. It's your assignment. He gave it to _you_-"

"-and told me to take someone with me-"

"Shit."

"-who, it turns out, is you. Hop to it."

"Shit. No… shit."

"If you don't, I'll tell Him you refused-"

"If I might interrupt?"

"Merlin's arse, Nott. You mean to tell me that you didn't Silencio the Auror scum?"

"It's Kingsley, actually, and there's no need to wave your wands around that close to my face."

"Shit."

"That's what I've been saying."

"What precisely do you intend to do with me in this… Where are we, anyway?"

"We're not that dim."

"Well, you _are_ the one who forgot to Stupefy him."

"Shut it, Darcy. It wore off. And as for you, I should think that's obvious."

"I dare say it isn't. There is any number of things a Death Eater could do with captured Auror. Wait, you are Death Eaters, are you not?"

"I told you we shouldn't have taken off the hats."

"I _hate_ those hats, and we're supposed to torture you."

"Supposed to?"

"Yes. For the location of your new headquarters."

"You know it's under Fidelis, Nott."

"You'd need the secret keeper for that."

"Thank you, idiots. I don't need you to tell _me_ that. I tried to explain that to _Him_ and was limping for days afterward."

"Torturing me would be pointless."

"Do I look happy about it? There are any number of things I would rather be doing, to tell the truth."

"So you're going to make me do it?"

"That was the idea."

"Shit, no. Shit. Why do I always get stuck doing this shit?"

"If I may make a suggestion?"

"No. _Stupefy_! It's because you never say no when we invite you out."

"Fuck. You didn't say it was… Why didn't you take Avery? He's always good for a spot of violence."

"I owe him money."

"…"

"Don't be like that. It won't take long to make a show of it."

"You shit. You're worse than Rookwood, you are."

"It was a Knut toss, him or I, who groveled first about the cock up at St. Mungo's. I lost, so here I am."

"What'd Old Snape say?"

"He didn't say anything. He just sat there and smirked, the git."

"You kill one old wizard and suddenly…"

"I know, I know. We _all_ know. Still, better him than Bellatrix…"

"Don't even say it!"

"You bloody well weren't there to see the time she…"

"Stop! There aren't sodding enough scouring charms in the world to get rid of that image."

"Right, well, let's get it over with."

"Shouldn't you Enervate him?"

"What's the point? He's not going to say anything useful."

"Blimey, Nott. Look, I'm not doing this alone, so belt up and do it with me."

"Fine. On three. One… two…"

"Three. _Crucio_!"


End file.
